If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
I'm 50% okay with that amount of body contact... plus/minus 7% based on where blood may flow.
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I woke up in a bath tub and my face was sore and it wasn't because of you, I was impressed
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
Randomize