How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
Dont really know what happened near the end, Pockets were filled with skittles though
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
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