you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
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