i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
you made me watch la bamba, and then you yelled at me for disrespecting your mexican heritage.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
I knew you were super hungover. But so hungover you fire our house cleaner because her vacuums too loud is excessive
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
ps. i have two very important words to sum up my night
which are?
library sex.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
