And mexicans. My burrito likes you.
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
I really have a thing for Greek chicks; I feel like while we are having sex she has the ability to make hummus which is just too appealing for me to pass up.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
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