Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I wanted to say "you're a souless cunt" but in a nice way. So I added a smiley face.
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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