I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
oh there is nothing like the 1st beerbong of the school year
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
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