i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
.It's like gods test of willpower against vaginal comfort
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I mean, if there was a version of you with a penis, you'd fuck it...right? Like just outta curiosity at least
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Randomize
