I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
he wouldnt let me in bed until i took off all the stickers i was covered in
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
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