my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Randomize
