my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
that man is just a bundle of powerful magic and poor judgment
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Ok you had this coming you put a sponsored filter on a dick pic
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
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