I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
We left an ass print on the piano.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Randomize
