Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Lol, yeah it'll be fun,but will it be cereal and dick pics fun?
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
Randomize
