I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
Why were my jeans in the freezer of the mini fridge, and how long have they been in there? On another note, I found my teacher's ID badge.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
a guy messaged me on POF to ask if I knew of any places that were hiring. And was being completely deadass serious. I'm so done
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
My hook-up from last week somehow found me at the club, saw the girl I was trying to fuck, kissed me right in front of her, and walked off.
all I remember is screming at her "I want you and your tortillas... DEAD"
Randomize