Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
he is not the type of person you only have sex with once. god adds years to your life every time you sleep with him.
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
Yep. The ghost of my sex life is in your house.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
