Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Drunkenly, I gave him a molly instead of an aleve so A) I'm still looking for him and B) I'm not sure about his headache.
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
That is our entire relationship. We match bowls and give each other head. What more could you possibly want?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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