My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
You threw up on yourself, then proceeded to tell us "to not make a mess in your car"
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
There something about a girl that pirates lemonade off a restaurant fountain as a mixer that I find intriguing.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
tell me about the fingering
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