wow, i just saw a girl period all over the floor. get my shoes
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
how was your day?
fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
Only I could dislocate my ribcage coaching volleyball and still want to get drunk tonight.
Randomize
