im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Just watched a guy pause a bluetooth convo to puke outside of esso. gotta love orangeville
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
