Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
For sure shouldn't do homework after beers and joints. Just cited like 3 sentences at the end with (History, 2013)
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
