Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. And I vaguely remember getting into an argument with a passive aggressive Ron Burgundy in a onesie- grown man, not a baby- about the pronunciation of New Orleans
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Randomize
