i think my tv is drunk
well you haven't lived until you've been 86'ed from a family restaraunt
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
