Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
wow, being home for Xmas is freaking weird on tinder. I went to high school with everyone I'm matching... The fact that this many jocks like me now is a huge ego boost from my lack of glory days.
...and I'm done. I just matched two boys I used to babysit without realizing it.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
Well yeah. But im not sure i trust the black out drunk high girl giving life advice
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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