I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
okay the fridge is completely filled only with alcohol. Not even exaggerating. There is no food.
Sometimes I wonder if we're going to make it to 40.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Im crying watching 9/11 footage eating spray can cheese in my pajamas.
My lack of taco bell is hindering me from seeing the good part of that situation
Randomize
