look no pants
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I told her we could go facebook official. If she ups the oral.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Remember the Giant sandworm from the movie Dune? Well that's about how big his dick is. No bulshit.
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