I was at the bar last night dancing, puking in a trash can, and ordering another drink all at the same time. Have I lost my dignity?
haha no as long as you did hook up with anybody after that.
... oops
Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
and this is why I hate my dad. He got 25x more angry with me when I wanted to drive a different route then he suggested to get to his house (more scenic- thus more enjoyable) then he did when I told him I was driving drunk with 4 people in the car and I got my 5th speeding ticket last night.
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
White grape blunt wraps are like the equivalent of a glass of wine in a tux.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
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