I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Note to self...boner negates all verbal agreements ...got it
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
im on a boat
How did you get this number?
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