while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.
I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You can't give me tequila around boys who have girlfriends. That ain't new.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
