I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
