please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
Randomize
