im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Wow. Memory lane. What a horrendously unsightly jizz stain on the tapestry of life.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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