I think my fart just growled at me.
my room smells like sperm. sweet.
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
