3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I decided we werent gonna go for round 5 when he started trying to have a serious conversation about how blessed he is to have such a nice penis
He has a point, the man's penis is a legend.
Text me some of your sweat
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