the ***** family is living proof that there are no more lifeguards in the humen gene pool
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Yay I only have ONE giant mystery bruise from yesterday
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
