How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
So after the absinthe shots_____(fill in the blank area for me please)......
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Randomize
