Your favorite bartender is back from prision
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Randomize
