Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
By getting ready I mean putting baby powder in my hair and possibly changing my pajamas to another pair of pajamas
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
Dignity is for republicans.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
