Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I just googled dawgpound, shoulda seen that pornsite coming
both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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