but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
Chill out, I'm getting ready as fast as I can. I didn't even masturbate in the shower.
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I POOPED CONFETTI TOO. Ingested unacceptable amount of it oh my god can I die from this?
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
Randomize
