Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I started scrolling back in our texts looking for context and a picture of your dick rose like the Great Pumpkin in the middle of my screen.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I just noticed, at some point last night I got on iTunes and purchased over 100 classical piano songs.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
