can we get nightvision for the apartment?
If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I had forgotten what new underwear feels like. It's as if angels descended from heaven for the sole purpose of supporting my junk.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
Will Smith has a direct hotline to my emotions
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
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