cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Randomize
