There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
Until you've snorted cocaine at 6am before your nursing school clinicals birthing babies you're not on my level
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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