the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Randomize
