no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
well theres no bloody mary mix at the campus bookstore so i dont even know what its good for
Thanks for ruining my life with your man penis
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Randomize
