Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."
Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
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