I'm pants shitting drunk right now
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
The staples of my diet are Labatt Blue, Xanax, and brick cheese.
I should have never moved out...
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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