The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
