I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
some bitch filled my sink with salsa.
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
Randomize
