I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
She said if it slipped out one more time she was going to duct tape it in her vagina
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
This 35 year old just told me that he was headed to the dance floor and it was about to get real dangerous......was that an invite?
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Randomize
