i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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