The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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