I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
can we drink soon
I'm not sure who this is but I'm free tomorrow night
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I just announced to Denny's that I'm not wearing a bra.
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize