Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
who knew rolling through the dorm on a scooter in footie pajamas would attract so many guys. he said i'm his soulmate.
Randomize
