see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
