I looked at my own cervix.
also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
It's three am. I'm drunk in a stairwell in Vegas. My flight leaves at six. Help.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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