you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I'm sure if Robin Williams was still with us he would want you to see boobs.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
its 8 and I'm HUNGOVER!! how is that possible??
Randomize
