Blackberries need to come with a feature that disables texting to certain numbers after 2am based on content. liek disabling texting to 'dad' containng the words 'lets try to find more blow.'
i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
I've never had sex that lasts this long though. It's ridiculous. I feel like I need a Gatorade and a sweatband and a sub.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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