dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I need to wash the frat house off of me
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
I’m pretty sure I have teeth marks on my neck
It's obvious you're hotter. You've been doing a married guy for almost 2 years.
Randomize
