Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I just got off a plane from Mexico. At least 15 passengers dashed to the bathroom throughout the flight. Can you tell its spring break?
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.
shes making a cheerios necklace using dental floss 'just in case' she gets the munchies later
Did we seriously just get into a fist fight over kit kats?
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
