remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
I swear to fucking god if he takes away netflix I will have no problem sending his gf our sex videos
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
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