who let me buy 6 packs of big league chew? and eat them all? thats not cool
There needs to be a term for a female version of a rusty trombone
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
My aunt asked how many piercings I had and my mom said seven and I said nine and that's how my family found out I had my nipples pierced.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I want to disappear from this job like a fart in the wind.💨
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