A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
You had two tasks: \n1) put on a condom \n2) text me so I don't walk in on you \nIt really isn't that hard
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
if i dont text back till morning its cause i turned my phone off and changed my password to something i wont remember to stop myself from drunk texting...RESPONSIBILITY
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
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