so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?
all of them.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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