You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
We will have to stop frequently for food, stretching legs, interesting things on the side of the road, and sex. So you might as well eat.
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
there is glitter all over my balls
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
Randomize
