i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
Fuck your fuckin pumpkin spice. You and your subtle differences frighten and disgust me.
Randomize
