Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.
It's times where you wake up in the hospital after trying to road surf that you wonder what you're doing in life.
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
Im gonna get home and destroy this bag of chicken nuggets with my soul.
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
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