Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We are back but we are listening to stairway to heaven in my car. Amy is air drums. Be back when it's over.
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