"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
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